February 7, 2008

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Say You're Sorry

By Dr. Mary C. McDonald

Secretary of Education, Superintendent of Schools

While waiting in the check-out line at the grocery store not long ago, I was being entertained by the antics of the two children in front of me. The scene, and the theme, were all too familiar to me. It was a long line and the children's patience had obviously disappeared before they, and their mother got in the line. Just for the sake of amusement, the little boy picked up a loaf of bread from the cart, and whacked his sister over the head with it. I have not, that I can remember, ever been hit with a loaf of bread, but I doubt that the wailing that followed was caused by the blow. The mother glared at the little boy, clenched her teeth and said, "Say you're sorry to your sister." The boy hissed, "Sorry." The little girl had that "got you" look on her face as her tears suddenly dried up. About three seconds later, the little girl picked up the loaf of bread and whacked her brother over the head. Now it was his turn to wail.

"Say you're sorry", the mother said. "He hit me first!" was the response of the little girl. There was obviously no real remorse going on here, and definitely no forgiveness. I remember those days. I also remember the "Say you're sorry" command. I think if I had to do it over again, I would not focus on the apology, but on the forgiveness. It is a much more realistic preparation for life, and for heaven.

I have learned that forgiveness comes from a forgiving spirit within us, not from an apology from someone else. It is our willingness to let go of offenses to us, perceived or real, that frees us, not necessarily an apology to us. Hearing someone say "Sorry" does not guarantee forgiveness. Forgiveness cannot be lived from the outside in, but from the inside out. I even met someone who proved it by the story of his life.

Several years ago while waiting for an elevator at the Crescent Center, I struck up a conversation with a friendly man who was delivering a pair of freshly shined shoes to one of the offices. It was a short elevator ride and a very brief conversation, but it was one of those tiny rays of sun in an otherwise cloudy day. As I got off the elevator, he called after me, "Stop by my Shoe Shine stand if you're ever on the Lower Level." The man's cheerfulness seemed so contagious, that on my way out, I stopped by his stand. He was sitting in the chair, waiting for customers. I reminded him of his invitation to stop by. He seemed delighted for the chance to talk.

I learned that his name was Eddie. He grew up poor, in Memphis, but worked hard in school and at his job as a sales representative that he got after graduating from college. He was on the way up in life. He got a great promotion and moved to Chicago. He had a great job, earned great money and had a great life. All that changed one night as he left a restaurant in downtown Chicago. He was robbed, savagely beaten and left for dead. After a long hospitalization, and a slow recovery, Eddie returned to Memphis so that his elderly father could take care of him. But he was never the same. Physically, he struggled to walk, experienced a great deal of pain and always wore a cap to cover the large indentation in his skull. Spiritually, he found God in his suffering and in his life. Once again he was on the way up. He learned a new skill, started his own business, and still works hard. He continually thanks God for the gift of life. I asked him what happened to the men who did this to him. "I never saw them again", he said, "but I forgave them long ago." He forgave them. There was no apology, no remorseful or contrived "sorry" from them. He just forgave them. He forgave them so that he could move beyond what they had done. He did not relive their offenses to him in his heart, or in his life.

When I left, he gave me a favorite book of prayers. I gave him an angel pin to wear on his cap. Whenever I'd stop by his stand, he was always ready with a smile and a sermonette. Both always lifted my spirits and made me appreciate the feeing gift of a forgiving spirit.

What frees us of hurt is not the "say you're sorry" from someone else, but the "I forgive you" that is lived out in our hearts and lives, with or without an apology.