May 22, 2008

By Christina Capecchi

Twenty-Something

In the film "The Last Kiss," Zach Braff tells his pregnant girlfriend he'll marry her when she can name three couples whose marriages have lasted five years.

She gets stuck at her parents and a pair of ducks at the park. And after a few more scenes, she's down to the ducks.

Pretty bleak.

It made me wonder: Is that really how young adults feel about tying the knot?

Statistically, Americans are shying away from the altar. Marriage rates fell nearly 50 percent from 1970 to 2004. The number of Catholic marriages also has plummeted.

Researchers for the National Marriage Project cite multiple reasons: the increase in cohabitation, the delay of first marriages until older ages and the growth of adults having children outside marriage.

Culturally, a number of factors are taking a toll on marriage — and inhibiting single adults.

For starters, there are fewer examples of strong marriages. Many young adults have witnessed the bitter divorce of parents or friends, and they're a bit gun shy.

Meanwhile, celebrities are making a mockery of marriage. Britney Spears' first marriage lasted 55 hours. Renee Zellweger and Kenny Chesney's endured four whole months. Apparently they waited 'til after their beachside ceremony to raise trivial questions like: "By the way, do you want kids?"

Some stars don't even pretend to honor marriage. In 2004, Brad Pitt told Vanity Fair: "Jen and I always made a pact that we'll see where this thing is going. I'm not sure it really is in our nature to be with someone for the rest of our lives just because you made this pact."

"Til death do us part," it seems, has become "til difference do us part." And "for better or worse" now implies "until someone better comes along."

Being married is no longer a societal ideal. Look at some of the nation's most powerful women — Condoleezza Rice, Oprah Winfrey, Martha Stewart. None are married.

An obsession with the wedding ceremony, fueled by reality TV and evidenced by a proliferation of bridal magazines, isn't helping marriage. Analysts say the average cost of a wedding in 2006 is $26,000.

Deciding how to spend all those dollars doesn't leave much time for contemplating the partnership that will follow the Big Day. And the debt that weddings thrust many newlyweds into doesn't exactly breed harmony.

More than ever before, we're living in a culture of instant gratification. Technology is fast; attention spans are short. Americans love having options, and that's exactly what the 21st century delivers. Google grants 178 million entries on marriage in less than two-tenths of a second.

If you don't like what you've got — a purse, a nose or a spouse — if it fades or wrinkles or disappoints, you can always take it back.

There's good news, though. Catholic young adults are earnest and discerning. This marriage crisis has given us pause, prompting us to really think it through.

Twenty years ago, many singles began sentences with the casual assumption, "When I get married…" Today, I hear many saying, "If I get married…"

With that attitude, the marriage rate may continue to drop. But so will the divorce rate.

Today's young adults are acutely aware of the effort that marriage requires. And we're willing to work.

My friend Wendy and her fiancé Clint care so much about their marriage that they chose to engage in premarital counseling from their priest.

When I watched them exchange vows last week, I was overcome. They may be young and poor and nervous, but they are best friends and they believe.

Sheer love, earnest hope and deep faith — these three things remain.

Christina Capecchi is a graduate student at Northwestern University in Evanston, Ill.